Adoption

Adoption is an evolving process between parent and child. There will be good times and there can be difficult times. For this reason, it is important to be aware of your feelings and be sensitive to your child’s feelings related to the adoption. Adopted children frequently struggle with issues of loss, rejection, and grief, as well as feelings of guilt and shame. They may have difficulty negotiating their identity or their role in relationships.

Adopted children may further struggle with issues of control, as they attempt to make sense of the world around them. This may be particularly true if they were adopted following multiple placements. No matter how loving or nurturing an adoptive home may be, it is important to realize that adopted children may struggle with these issues. Although children gain a wonderful home and family, they can still feel the loss and rejection associated with being given up by their birth parents.

It is important to be open and talk with your child about his or her birthparents and pre-adoption history. Frequently adoptive parents feel uneasy broaching this topic with their children, yet it is a necessary step toward providing a child with a positive sense of self. Often children pick up on subtle cues as to whether a subject is taboo, therefore if they feel that you do not want to talk about their history, they may avoid it as well, thus increasing their experience of shame. So remember, just because your child does not ask questions, it does not mean that they do not have any.

Your conversations with your child should begin early, using developmentally-appropriate language. They should be done gradually and gently, as the content is laden with emotions. The story you begin with can be used as a skeleton to which you can build in the future as your child’s comprehension increases. When talking to your child, it may be helpful to use other children’s books and stories to highlight important aspects of the adoption. As your child matures you can provide more information at a level appropriate to their understanding.

Adopting an older child

When adopting a child who is not a newborn, it is important to understand that his adaptation to your home and family is a continually evolving process. In many cases, you are attempting to convince a scared, confused child that he is at his permanent home and that you love him. You must be prepared to earn your child’s love and trust. It is important to maximize consistency and continuity during this time.

It is also extremely important that you remain attuned to your child and what she is able to handle. It is also important to continue to support your child’s developmental needs. Frequently, children who have traumatic histories or multiple placements are emotionally younger than their chronological age. Therefore, play with your child and offer him toys appropriate for his developmental level, even if this may seem somewhat regressive. By being attuned to your child’s needs, she can begin to mature emotionally as she begins to feel more secure.

Also, remain aware of potential issues that may emerge in children already living in your home. Such children may have strong feelings upon the newly adopted child’s arrival, making your negotiation of interactions with them important. It also is important to be aware of cultural or ethnic differences that may exist between the children; these differences may be generalized to larger barriers that interfere with the formation of a secure sibling relationship. Furthermore, you should stick to the rules already established in your home, as long as they are developmentally appropriate for your new child. Bending rules for your adopted child creates chaos in the home and may foster resentment between siblings. Keeping the rules and punishments constant in your home provides your children with the consistency and structure they need.

Transracial Adoption Issues

Several issues separate transracial or bi-racial adoption from other forms of adoption. One of the main issues is that, as transracially adoptive parents, you do not of the luxury of deciding when to tell others that your child is adopted. Another primary issue to consider is your child’s heritage and culture. It is important to incorporate your child’s culture into your home. The child will have numerous questions regarding why he or she looks different than you, so be willing to discuss the adoption openly. Furthermore, seek out opportunities to provide your child with exposure to his or her culture and then incorporate some of these aspects into your lives. For instance, you can expose your child to other interracial families, and find cultural experiences to share with them. It is important to foster a positive sense of self and identity in your child. In order to fully do this it is important that you be clear with yourself and your child regarding his or her racial identity. Look for opportunities for your child to attend integrated schools. If possible, live in an integrated community, one that will be accepting and affirming of your child. Have cultural literature, children's books, periodicals, toys, games, and artwork in your home. Learn and share with your children their history and important current and cultural events. These efforts can aid your child in the development of her positive identity; to deny a child this opportunity will only make the transition and search for identity more difficult.

Overseas Adoption

Adopting a child from overseas is a very significant step to take both for you and the child. You should obtain as much information as possible about the overseas adoption process and talk to people who have adopted overseas. It is a huge undertaking to offer a child a new life in a totally different country and the adults must be properly prepared and supported, and the children's interests must be protected. The child will be uprooted and transplanted into a new country with a different culture and language and enormous sensitivity and patience will be needed to help them adjust.

Children who are adopted from overseas often have spent their formative years in institutions that are understaffed and under-stimulating. The majority of foreign children placed in American families come from countries plagued by poverty and in which proper health care and nutrition are difficult to come by. In the case of Eastern European countries, parents most often give their child up for adoption because of poverty and social ills such as alcoholism, substance abuse or prostitution. The biologic parents themselves often are malnourished and in poor health, conditions which negatively impact the cognitive, emotional and physical health of the unborn child. Unfortunately, many children adopted from overseas, especially those children from the former Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, were exposed to alcohol during their mother’s pregnancy. This is a fact that any family adopting a child from overseas must also consider.

Institutionalized infants often spend their lives in drab cribs with limited exposure to voices, music, colors, smells, tastes, textures and opportunities for movement. Because children in institutions often do not receive a variety of sensory experiences, they often are ill-equipped to deal with the outside world once they are removed from the orphanage. Their sensory systems become deficient in their capacity to process new experiences once they are removed from their deprived environment. Therefore, these children become over or under sensitive to stimuli around them, which contributes to behavioral problems in post-institutionalized children. Additionally, physical development can be delayed and some children have social and emotional deficits which may warrant professional intervention.

The Child Study Center believes that the best adoption is the well-educated adoption, one in which the parents know the strengths and weaknesses of their new child to determine what your family can effectively manage.